Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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