dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
