Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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