my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Two words: blizzard sex
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
