he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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