Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
