I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
