so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The struggles of a small town man whore
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
