This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
