Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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