it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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