so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
