You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
there is glitter all over my balls
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
