You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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