She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
