Your face is a jimmy john
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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