the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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