Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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