Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
