Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
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My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
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Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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