who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
