I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
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