The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
