a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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