the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My ATM looks so different sober.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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