At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
