Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I touched a dick in church today
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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