Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
