I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
