Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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