I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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