guys are not supposed to queef...right?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
