let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
