I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
