he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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