Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's get the cat blown out
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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