Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
