Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Come see our sink grown plant.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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