And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
