If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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