I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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