Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize