and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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