im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
