im drinking this country out of the recession.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
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Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
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I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.