did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.