I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
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No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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