# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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