just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Enjoy the penises
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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