the condom got lost in my hair
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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