wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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