you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
