i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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