I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
