My liver just broke up with me...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
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As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
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I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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