Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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