I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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