after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
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