I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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