My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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